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My Son Is A Quitter! 8 Surefire Ways To Help You Encourage Your Kid To Succeed

 

Do you sign your child up for soccer, piano, karate and then after 3 classes he decides he has had enough?

One of my clients wrote in with the following:

I have a question regarding my child. He is part of a chess club and keeps losing and wants to give up all the time. We try to gently push him, and encourage him to stay with it, (chess club is not the only thing he has given up on) I don’t know how to deal with this type of behavior. Any suggestions?

Here are 8 ways to handle the child who is wishy washy about his extracurricular activities:

a. Children should be encouraged to try many activities:

I heard a well-known psychologist state the following piece of wisdom that changed my attitude towards my kids quitting karate, guitar, piano, drawing, baseball etc. She said that, it is not necessarily a bad thing when a child loses interest in classes or activities in which he has signed up. Most activities lose their appeal quickly for kids. Trying new things out is what childhood is for and should be encouraged.

We can say, “You didn’t care for baseball, that is too bad. I am glad you tried it. It is always important try new things.” Most children have a hard time sticking to one activity for any length of time. The kids that can are truly talented. They can and do become superstars. Us regular people with regular kids need to be okay with the fact that our kids won’t be in the NBA playoffs or on Broadway. If that gets you down, or if you feel like you are doing your child a disservice just look at the arrogance of LeBron James (we are a little bitter here in Cleveland about him) and the imprudence of Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan.

b. Children do not have to participate in extracurricular activities.

Is your son overscheduled and pressured to take classes because that is the thing to do? I know for myself I am athletic and love certain sports. One of my children has poor gross motor skills and has trouble in that area. I need to bite my tongue to keep from suggesting he engage in some type of team sport.

Is chess playing something that is important to you and your family? Make sure it doesn’t cloud his judgment about activities in which he would like to participate. Keep in mind, not all children need to engage in extra curricular programs. It might be too much for them. As long as he is pursuing his interests at home, reading, music, drawing, science experiments, gardening, building lego sets or just playing, he will be fine.

c. Look at your child’s natural talents:

Sometimes as parents we don’t think about what our children are good at but what is socially acceptable and cool. American culture highly values team sports for both girls and boys, drama and music. Again, I had to get over that with my own child and recognize the beauty of having a bookworm. Does your son have a logical, mathematic mind? Is chess helping him cultivate his innate strengths? If not, maybe it is time to look for something else.

d. Help your child get real about his innate strengths:

Is your son trying to be someone who he is not? That is fine. It is part of the growing up process. Children like to try on different identities. You want to encourage him by saying things like, “I am glad you are trying different things and seeing what you like and don’t like. That is what childhood is for.” Using language like that may take the pressure off of him needing to win all the time. It can help put his extracurricular activities into perspective. Engaging in clubs, team sports and other activities is supposed to be fun, helping you to develop social networks and skills you wouldn’t ordinarily have the chance to develop. It is a sad adult who doesn’t have a good sense of what his true abilities are and hasn’t had a chance to experiment and learn what he can specifically and uniquely contribute to society.

e. Take his lead when he decides what activity he wants to try:

As long as it is within your budget listen and find ways to promote his interests. After that it his responsibility and you can take a hands off approach. For example you can say, “looks like you are having a hard time with chess, its your decision whether you want to stick with it or move onto something else.”

You can remind him that chess takes a lot of concentration, effort and time to learn. You can say, “I hear what your saying about chess and how frustrated you are getting with the game. I just want to remind you that you did just start and chess takes a ton of practice. I think the chess greats spent at least 8 hours a day playing chess. If you really like it, you might want to stick with it for a while longer, it will get easier.”

f. Take the focus off of winning and onto effort expended:

To help him move his focus from winning we want to avoid using evaluative praise like “good job” or superlatives “you are the greatest” or “you are the smartest”. This type of encouragement is painful and counterproductive for children. I discuss this in depth in my “How To Talk” workshop. You want to use “Process Praise”. Your son needs to be praised for his effort and for trying. This will encourage him to try more. Not just with chess but with everything he does.

“Process praise” sounds like this:

“I see that you cleaned your bookshelves and made your bed you are working towards getting your room cleaned. You are making an effort.” (Even if the rest of his room is a disaster.)

“This homework assignment is really frustrating you. Even though you are not looking forward to doing it, you have your book open and your pencils ready to go. You are putting in effort.”

“When you played chess today, I saw you thinking about your moves very carefully. You did the best that you could and had an interesting strategy. You should be proud of the effort you showed in today’s game.”

g. Gently remind of his commitment and your expectations:

If you have already paid for the classes you are well within your rights to expect him to finish the session. You can say, “I know you are having second thoughts about chess right now but we expect you to finish the session and do the best that you can. I know it is not your first choice but I also know that in our family we try to be responsible about our commitments.”

In the future signing a child up for a limited number of sessions, about 6-10 classes is realistic. You may also want to sign up on a trial basis.

h. Concentrate on what he does regularly:

Instead of pointing out all the things he won’t follow through on, focus on the stuff he does stick to, like going to school everyday, finishing books, doing homework, finishing school projects, going to visit his Grandma every week, or keeping up his friendships. Nothing out of the ordinary- just the simple things that he does that shows he has staying power.

As parents we need to advocate for our children and be their biggest cheerleaders. Finding ways to root for them as they navigate through the challenges of childhood is critical to their emotional well-being. Let us use the techniques and suggestions outlined in this article to help us be their best supporter.

Come and visit http://www.parentingsimply.com for more great ideas on how to parent your kids. Looking forward to seeing you there.

Adina Soclof, a certified Speech Pathologist, received her masters degree from Hunter College in New York in Communication Sciences. Adina worked as a Speech Pathologist in preschools for the developmentally disabled in the New York area before staying home full time with her family. She reentered the workforce as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating “How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk” workshops as well as workshops based on “Siblings Without Rivalry” and “Raising a Spirited Child”. She has been featured at numerous non profit organizations and private schools in Cleveland. Adina developed TEAM Communication Ventures and conducts parenting, teacher and clinician workshops via telephone nationwide. You can visit her website at http://www.ParentingSimply.com. Adina lives with her husband and four lively children in Cleveland, Ohio.

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LEGO® Creator Shuttle Adventure $149.95 Lego Space Shuttle Adventure at The Space Store. The new Lego Creator Shuttle Adventure set is now available. Shop online, ships worldwide

LEGO® Space City Shuttle $39.95 Lego Space City Space Shuttle at The Space Store. The new Lego Space City Shuttle set is now available. Shop online, ships worldwide

Atlanta Hawks NBA Team Belt Buckle $39.95 Atlanta Hawks fans check out this gorgeous pewter belt buckle made in the logo of your favorite NBA team. This officially licensed belt buckle shows the great details of the hawk design finished in the team’s passionate red and black colors. This belt buckle is perfect for the games or just a night out at the local sports bar. It makes a great gift as well. These licensed NBA buckles are authorized by the team and is made to the highest level of quality available in the industry. The belt buckles are made with pure pewter, which is the strongest and most durable material for belt buckle manufacturing for many years. The vibrant team colors are hand painted with high quality enamel and finished with a thick clear coat for brilliance and protection. This buckle will last for years, so if you’re a Hawks fan, treat yourself to this well made product. If you know someone who is a Atlanta Hawks fan, skip on the lame gift and get them this officially licensed, top quality NBA belt buckle.

LEGO City Metal Box $9.99 “LEGO City Metal Box measures 6.7″” Wide x 5.3″” High x 3.6″” Deep. *This is an officially licensed LEGO product.”

LEGO City Value Pack $9.99 LEGO City Value Pack includes 48 favors: (6) different favors to fill (8) treat bags. *This is an officially licensed LEGO product.

LEGO City Paper Tablecover $5.49 “LEGO City Paper Tablecover measures 54″” high x 102″” wide to match your party theme. *This is an officially licensed LEGO product.”

LEGO City Memory Game $4.99 Each LEGO City Memory Game contains (16) cards to match. Package includes (4) sets. *This is an officially licensed LEGO product.

LEGO City Crayons $5.99 Each LEGO City Crayon box has (4) crayons. Package includes (12) boxes of crayons. *This is an officially licensed LEGO product.

LEGO City Cone Hats $3.39 Package includes (8) LEGO City Cone Hats made of cardboard (with elastic chin straps) to match your party theme. *This is an officially licensed LEGO product

Lego Star Wars – Troop Shot $19.99 Lego Star Wars – Troop Shot – T-Shirt

Youth: Lego Harry Potter – Characters $17.99 Youth: Lego Harry Potter – Characters – T-Shirt

Youth: Lego Harry Potter – Harry $17.99 Youth: Lego Harry Potter – Harry – T-Shirt

WB LEGO: Rock Band $20.99 1000101221 Game LEGO: Rock Band Lego Rock Band Music Editing/Composing Software WB Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc Wii www.warnerbros.com

LEGO 8831 Minifigures Series 7 Random Blind Packed Figure $1200 Ready for a fun surprise? Series 7 includes 16 different figures! You get 1 (one) individually packaged, randomly selected figure. Each figure is a surprise. Which ones will you get? Collect them all, and use their parts to customize your very own figures! Are you ready for a fun surprise? These exciting LEGO figures come randomly boxed, just like trading cards! Each one is a unique surprise. Each minifigure comes in a sealed mystery bag, so you never know which minifigure you might get. Each character has its own special accessories, display plate, and collector’s leaflet. Collect them all, and use their parts to customize your very own figures! Age 5 and up. Inspired by movies, sports, history, and everyday life, Series 7 includes 16 different characters, which may include: Nerd, Punk Girl, Bride, Warrior, Viking Woman, Space Pirate, Bagpipes Man, Aztec Warrior, Ape Man, Hippie, Bunny Suit Man, Swimmer, Black Knight, Red Riding Hood, Tennis Player, Sea King. Which ones will you get? Piece count varies by figure. This item gets you 1 (one) individually packaged, randomly selected figure, suitable for collecting and trading. Collect all 16 figures! Note: We cannot accept requests for specific figures. We cannot take returns on opened blind-packaged figures. Ages 5 and up.

LEGO 8831 Minifigures Series 7 Display Box (60 Figures) $20 Ready for a fun surprise? Series 7 includes 16 different figures! You get 60 individually packaged, randomly selected figures. Each figure is a surprise. Which ones will you get? Collect them all, and use their parts to customize your very own figures! Are you ready for a fun surprise? These exciting LEGO figures come randomly boxed, just like trading cards! Each one is a unique surprise. Each minifigure comes in a sealed mystery bag, so you never know which minifigure you might get. Each character has its own special accessories, display plate, and collector’s leaflet. Collect them all, and use their parts to customize your very own figures! Age 5 and up. Inspired by movies, sports, history, and everyday life, Series 7 includes 16 different characters: Nerd, Punk Girl, Bride, Warrior, Viking Woman, Space Pirate, Bagpipes Man, Aztec Warrior, Ape Man, Hippie, Bunny Suit Man, Swimmer, Black Knight, Red Riding Hood, Tennis Player, Sea King. Which ones will you get? Piece count varies by figure. This item gets you 60 individually packaged, randomly selected figures packaged in an attractive countertop point-of-sale display, suitable for placing in a store next to the cash register. Collect all 16 figures! Note: We cannot accept requests for specific figures. We cannot take returns on opened blind-packaged figures. Ages 5 and up.

Dallas Mavericks NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Dallas Mavericks NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels a

Denver Nuggets NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Denver Nuggets NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels are

Detroit Pistons NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Detroit Pistons NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels ar

Houston Rockets NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Houston Rockets NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels ar

Indiana Pacers NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Indiana Pacers NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels are

Milwaukee Bucks NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Milwaukee Bucks NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels ar

Orlando Magic NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Orlando Magic NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels are

Phoenix Suns NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Phoenix Suns NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels are d

Sacramento Kings NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Sacramento Kings NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels a

Utah Jazz NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Utah Jazz NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels are dyed

Boston Celtics NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Boston Celtics NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels are

Chicago Bulls NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Chicago Bulls NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panels are

Cleveland Cavaliers NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)(Pack of 1) $168.13 Cleveland Cavaliers NBA Team Bean Bag (102 Round)”This Bean Bag Chair is the perfect addition to any sports fan’s bedroom; den; or garage. The shell is made of 100% Cotton Duck with Virgin Polystyrene Bead fill for a soft; comfortable feel. The panel

The Art Of A Beautiful Game: The Thinking Fan’s Tour Of The Nba $5.59 In The Art of a Beautiful Game Chris Ballard the award-winning Sports Illustrated writer who has covered the NBA for the past decade goes behind the scenes to examine basketball in ways that will surprise even die-hard fans. An inveterate hoops junkie who played some college ball Ballard sits down with the NBA’s most passionate cerebral players to find out their tricks of the trade and to learn what drives them taking readers away from the usual sports talk radio fodder and deep into the heart of the game. Ballard talks to Dwight Howard a prolific shot-blocker about the enervating feeling of meeting another man at the height of his leap; challenges Steve Kerr to a game of H-O-R-S-E to understand the mentality of a pure shooter; reveals the roots of Kobe Bryant’s unmatched killer instinct; and spends time with LeBron James to better understand both his mental game and his seemingly unlimited physical skills. He tracks down renowned dunkers from Dominique to Shaq to explore the impact of the dunk on the modern game shadows Shane Battier during his preparations to defend LeBron takes lessons from a freethrow shooting guru who once hit 2 750 in a row and attends an elite NBA training camp to feel the pain that turns a prospect into a pro. Packed with lively characters and basketball history and grounded in superb writing and the reportage that is the hallmark of Sports Illustrated The Art of a Beautiful Game is an often witty always insightful look at the men like Steve Nash Yao Ming and Alonzo Mourning who devote themselves to this elegant and complicated sport. It ultimately provides basketball fans what they all want: an inside read on the game they love.

LEGO City Mini Cake Decorations $4.99 LEGO City Mini Cake Decorations include (4) different styles and are made of wax. *This is an officially licensed LEGO product.